"TOP 10 LIST"

I have been so very blessed with great friends, a great career and my biggest blessing by far is my daughter, Taylor. Even though marriage between her dad and I did not work out, Taylor is now blessed with a much larger network of family than she would have had. She now has two little brothers and a step-mom that love her as well. As Taylor’s mom, that brings me great comfort.

I was twenty-five when I became a mom. I wasn’t able to watch her being born because the sight of the initial “yicky stuff” made me toss my cookies, so they had to turn the mirrors. But, at 4:44 p.m. on December 7, 1993, I saw the grace of God in my life in the beautiful face of my daughter when she was placed in my arms. I never ever loved anything more in my life. And that kind of love…those kinds of feelings I believe only come from God.

I did not grow up having the best relationship with my mother for a myriad of reasons which are not important to this piece but now that I have a child of my own I have a better perspective on who my mom is and why she is the way she is and I love her as she is. I take motherhood VERY seriously. I do know that becoming a mother has made me see my mother in a different light. Good and bad. I can look back and see what great qualities she has. Being a parent is perhaps the biggest responsibility one may ever have in life. You are responsible and helping to for nurturing and growing another human spirit... without tainting it too much with your own faults and exposing it to everything that is good and right in the world. No one will do it perfectly. In fact, becoming a mother has exposed me to many of my own shortfalls. What a responsibility! Trying to raise someone, in spite of yourself, perfectly... but not too perfect. Knowing when to guide, and when to let go and let them be. Letting them learn through experience on their own... even if it is hard to watch. When I am feeling like I am in some way failing Taylor or when she is struggling, I lean on a verse from the Old Testament from the book of Proverbs 22:6 and I insert her name in the appropriate spots to make it personal to me. I goes like this. “Train up Taylor in the way she should go; even when Taylor is old she will not depart from it.

My prayer is that when Taylor looks back on the very hard decisions that her dad and I have had to make regarding her upbringing that she will know without a doubt that she is loved. I hope I have taught her to go through life truly seeing the beauty in it, and in her own way will help to make it a better place. I pray I have taught her sufficiently to be a good human being.. and forgiving of those who aren't. I hope I have and continue to give her the tools to learn to manage her anger and bad feelings... as there are so many situations and reasons for people to be angry and grumpy these days. I hope I have modeled for her to value human relationships more than any material thing in her life.

For Mother’s Day this year, Taylor and I and the woman I call my sister, Erin Goldschmidt, went to Washington DC. We had an incredible weekend and Taylor gave me a great gift which I could tell she put a lot of time and effort into preparing. She put together the top ten things she loves about having me as her mom. I have a list far larger than ten items that I love about being Taylor’s mom but here are just a few that I am thinking about in this moment…

1.) Everytime I look at her, I see the love that God has for me and for her in her beautiful eyes.
2.)I love watching her sleep. Reminds me of what true peace looks like.
3.)When she finally understood the love that God has for her and why he created her uniquely wonderful. (This was recent)
4.)When she holds my hand walking down a street and is not afraid that she looks “uncool”
5.)When she tells me she loves me without me saying it first.
6.)When she says, “Mom, I think I just want to hang with you today…and it’s not to go shopping.”
7.)All the major moments….winning her first triathalon, swim meet, soccer goal, Mason Idol, singing at the AVP, her first play, baptism at Crossroads…and the list will just continue to grow.
8.)When she comes to me for advice….and she takes it.
9.)Seeing her go outside herself and show compassion and empathy for someone else.
10.)Most of all….watching her discover herself….who she really is not who she felt she needed to be for others or to fit in but who SHE is and learning to LOVE herself. That is an amazing gift to me that keeps giving!