What a relief that I worship the God of second chances!
If there's one truth that's indisputable about human beings, it's that we have an infinite capacity to mess up. I am no exception to that rule.
But even more infinite than our ability to sin is God's desire to forgive us. For those of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior, that means God will forgive us every time we ask.
Maybe you've failed at something in life, and you think that dream is lost. I can tell you, though, from my own experience, that I serve the God of second chances. Right now I'm on my 65th or 75th chance. Or is it 375th chance? I lost track about 25 years ago--and I thank God every day for not keeping score.
I can honestly say I did not get my independence from my mother…I got it in spite of her. Her life choices made me recoil at the traditional idea of marrying young and raising a family. Although I did marry at 26 and again briefly at 39…I have lived most of my adult life as what my friends and I call being a serial monogamist. But it was my spirited curiosity that made me keep all of those relationships at arm’s length letting them get only so close to me.
Something happened in late 2003…I met a man and fell probably for the first time…very much in love. I won’t go into the details of how things started but I will tell you I carried a lot of guilt about it and ultimately did the hard work to get past it…both of us did. However, that guilt and other “Christy issues” led me to walk away from him and even marry another that was not even close to being the man I am sure God intended for me. I ran from the only person that challenged me, loved me, and pursued me for the greater good. I ran out of fear, guilt and downright self-hatred. And…I suffered dearly for it.
As a result, I had to go back to basics. I asked my God for forgiveness and I received it. I began the process of being accountable and vulnerable to those closest to me. And mercifully, even in the midst of bad decisions, God brought people into my life at just the right times to build into me and speak truth.
Now we are almost in the year 2012 and I can see that even though I walked away from what I believe to be the right life partner for me, I am now a better person and am able to be present and committed. And….I am excited and blessed to be in the midst of an exciting adventure of second chances with Mr. 2003! This man that I hurt so deeply to the point that I thought the emotional walls were to high to ever break down has slowly and purposefully given me a second chance. And I have slowly and consistently shown him that I believe he is my person. I don’t know where it may go but I do know that love is an act of self-giving. The more you love, the more you lose a part of that spirited curiosity of independence but I would argue mostly out of hope and faith that with God’s help you end up being complete.
I now more than ever before see God realistically. I see Him mending my disappointment. I see Him running out to meet me, giving me another chance, just like the father of the prodigal son. I put my hope and faith in that and it helps me in so many other areas of my life.
No one’s life is wrecked for good. The most loving, powerful being in the universe wants to heal it, and he does have the power and creativity to do just that.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
"RELEVANCE"
It is hard for many of us to imagine something like a “catastrophe” or a significant life changing event happening to us. But it will…at some point… and of course the significance of that event and impact can be based on whatever meaning you give it. Is it easy for you to imagine that something “bad” can be turned into something “good”? Imagine for a moment losing every single possession you own in a housefire or a tornado or tsunami. One of the most precious lessons to gain from these type of life altering events is about identifying with material possessions. It is no surprise that this is what and how many of us identify or define ourselves by in today’s times. But material items never have and never will define who you truly are. Sure these things can provide “temporary” happiness, but never to the extent of anything deep or lasting.
So many people try to hold on to material possessions and the sentimentality that comes with them, as if that is all they were. The threat of these items disappearing brings them great discomfort. Many people act like they lost a part of themselves, they are distraught, lost, confused and almost as if in a state of mourning. I have been in this position just by a mere threat of losing something physically important to me on my being. Recently, I began to undergo chemotheraphy for Hodgkins Lymphoma. I know this may seem silly to those reading this but the ONLY thing I could think about was losing my hair. I was not thinking about losing my life and leaving my only child without a mother or losing my friends and family. It seems so silly now just putting it on paper. All I could think about was how at the age of 43 I would lose my long hair that I worked tirelessly to grow out and maintain. So far…I still have my hair with one cycle of treatment under my belt.
I know intuitively that it is not the end of the world, not even close and I am working…with the help of my friends to live in the present and enjoy what I have NOW and it is helping me to live a very satisfied, peaceful and fulfilled existence. It is great that my hair is still attached semi-firmly to my head, but I will be no less if it is not. Further, I have decided if it does start to fall to the floor that I will take the opportunity to use the shedding process to raise money for the Girls Education Program at Room to Read which provides an education for girls in developing countries. TURN SOMETHING BAD INTO SOMETHING GOOD!!
I believe that the experiences and memories we choose to make are always and will always be with us for as long as we choose and no object in the world through its presence or absence changes that one bit. Your memories are no less and you are no less, regardless of an object’s absence or presence. Many times, it is upon “losing” something material or physical that we held dear, that we are presented with an amazing opportunity for growth. An equally important lesson in this is that we hold the power to give a situation meaning. The situation does not have power over us, unless of course we let it.
From a spiritual perspective it is no surprise to me that Jesus called Himself the light of the world. Without the light, there is nothing to be seen. He also called Himself the Truth. Recognizing the truth in life, in a world that seems to be governed by what my pastor called the “kingdom of thingdom.” For many people it's just too simple. They live by the rule, "Why make it easy, if you can make it complicated?"
Other than the fear of losing my “stupid hair” I really have had no fear over losing my life because I believe that God is not "out there." He's right here, and He's been there all the time, endlessly giving me signs of His Presence, of His tender love and care, which I sometimes stubbornly ignore in my moments of feeling down. But I eventually come out of the dark and then everything begins to make sense. Even when life lately seems to be in total chaos suddenly it can obtain meaning... and I know what I'm talking about.
During this season, God has gently prompted me to remove whether its temporary or permanent certain relationships in my life that meant a great deal to me but surrounded me with negativity and sometimes anger. But, at the very same time when I have needed it most he has introduced AMAZING relationships into my life that have brought me emotions of trust, love, laughter and clarity. These individuals have seen me at my lowest and not judged me. They have spoken truth to me and let me know that it is ok to be upset, sick, sad, momentarily crazy (I say with laughter). But most importantly they have demanded that I receive from them their love and help. It is in these moments that I know that not only is there a God but that he loves me. I believe that there is meaning to everything. All the things we constantly take for granted as meaningless coincidences, every acquaintance, every event, every little and however apparently trivial encounter and experience bears a meaning and a message for us, if we care to see it.
So many people try to hold on to material possessions and the sentimentality that comes with them, as if that is all they were. The threat of these items disappearing brings them great discomfort. Many people act like they lost a part of themselves, they are distraught, lost, confused and almost as if in a state of mourning. I have been in this position just by a mere threat of losing something physically important to me on my being. Recently, I began to undergo chemotheraphy for Hodgkins Lymphoma. I know this may seem silly to those reading this but the ONLY thing I could think about was losing my hair. I was not thinking about losing my life and leaving my only child without a mother or losing my friends and family. It seems so silly now just putting it on paper. All I could think about was how at the age of 43 I would lose my long hair that I worked tirelessly to grow out and maintain. So far…I still have my hair with one cycle of treatment under my belt.
I know intuitively that it is not the end of the world, not even close and I am working…with the help of my friends to live in the present and enjoy what I have NOW and it is helping me to live a very satisfied, peaceful and fulfilled existence. It is great that my hair is still attached semi-firmly to my head, but I will be no less if it is not. Further, I have decided if it does start to fall to the floor that I will take the opportunity to use the shedding process to raise money for the Girls Education Program at Room to Read which provides an education for girls in developing countries. TURN SOMETHING BAD INTO SOMETHING GOOD!!
I believe that the experiences and memories we choose to make are always and will always be with us for as long as we choose and no object in the world through its presence or absence changes that one bit. Your memories are no less and you are no less, regardless of an object’s absence or presence. Many times, it is upon “losing” something material or physical that we held dear, that we are presented with an amazing opportunity for growth. An equally important lesson in this is that we hold the power to give a situation meaning. The situation does not have power over us, unless of course we let it.
From a spiritual perspective it is no surprise to me that Jesus called Himself the light of the world. Without the light, there is nothing to be seen. He also called Himself the Truth. Recognizing the truth in life, in a world that seems to be governed by what my pastor called the “kingdom of thingdom.” For many people it's just too simple. They live by the rule, "Why make it easy, if you can make it complicated?"
Other than the fear of losing my “stupid hair” I really have had no fear over losing my life because I believe that God is not "out there." He's right here, and He's been there all the time, endlessly giving me signs of His Presence, of His tender love and care, which I sometimes stubbornly ignore in my moments of feeling down. But I eventually come out of the dark and then everything begins to make sense. Even when life lately seems to be in total chaos suddenly it can obtain meaning... and I know what I'm talking about.
During this season, God has gently prompted me to remove whether its temporary or permanent certain relationships in my life that meant a great deal to me but surrounded me with negativity and sometimes anger. But, at the very same time when I have needed it most he has introduced AMAZING relationships into my life that have brought me emotions of trust, love, laughter and clarity. These individuals have seen me at my lowest and not judged me. They have spoken truth to me and let me know that it is ok to be upset, sick, sad, momentarily crazy (I say with laughter). But most importantly they have demanded that I receive from them their love and help. It is in these moments that I know that not only is there a God but that he loves me. I believe that there is meaning to everything. All the things we constantly take for granted as meaningless coincidences, every acquaintance, every event, every little and however apparently trivial encounter and experience bears a meaning and a message for us, if we care to see it.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
“PLEASE GIVE ME SOME C-C-C-COURAGE”
I have been thinking with great intensity about the one word I pray people use to describe me when I leave this world. The word that comes to mind is courageous. Usually when this word is used, it describes some wonderful story of courage that one experiences. I found myself feeling discouraged that this really does not apply to me at this point in my life. I have never gone off to war to fight for my country. I have never saved a life or done anything so courageous that it would merit ever being mentioned. This realization for anyone could bring about feelings of depression or insignificance. But, I am a “cup half full” kinda gal. So, I began to think about courage in other ways and how I have lived out the word courage in my life. Identifying areas of courageous growth needed is well….courageous in and of itself. I have come to the stark realization that every single one of us can live a life of courage in some very measurable ways.
As I started reflecting on this novel approach to courage, I found myself growing quite excited. I thought about the areas of my life where I have dared to be courageous on a daily basis. One glaring area is the courage to be who I am or more precisely who God created me to be. This world has every day pressures to conform, so it takes a great amount of courage to NOT be “of this world”. I try very hard everyday to express myself in a genuine way while being humble and unpretentious.
Another area where I have seen significant growth in my life is through my courage to say NO. Saying the word NO is as difficult if not more than hearing the word NO. But, sometimes we even need to say no to the good in order to make room for the great. Saying no when I need to is never easy as by nature I am a pleaser, but the price I have paid in my past for not doing so far exceeds any momentary discomfort. The courage to let go many times goes hand-in-hand with the courage to say NO. Because I put myself through college, have worked since the ripe old age of twelve, have raised a child virtually on my own; the need to control has in the past, been paramount to my existence. However, through my growing faith in things I cannot see, I have learned to lean on the peace of mind that comes only from giving my best to all situations while at the same time detaching myself from the outcome knowing that everything in life has a purpose. I try with unfailing persistence to put my faith in the creator that created me. I have embraced the knowledge that who I am is not defined by the outcome of my works. Giving up resisting what you cannot control and going with, rather than against, helps me to stay in the present. Finding the courage to let go almost never hurts my ability to achieve. In fact, I have found that when I give up control my ability to achieve and grow is enhanced.
The courage to be a leader is an area in my life that I have struggled with for all of my 42 years. When I was younger, my desire to be a leader was really spurred by the desire to be popular or to move up the financial ladder of life that this world seems to place so much emphasis on. Once I found the courage to be who I am and to learn to let go and to say NO when I was called to, I realized that being a leader is not a position…it is a choice. Everyday we are presented with opportunities to lead and move others in a direction that they otherwise may not have gone. By choosing a path of integrity, personal responsibility, and taking the time to listen and challenge others and ourselves, your light will shine with a brightness that others will find hard not to follow. It is my prayer that God will continue to work with me to be a courageous leader. I am led to believe and embrace that it is through courageous leadership that we can lead others towards a future filled with possibilities. An existence filled with no war, no starvation, nor horrendous acts of violence towards women and children. Instead, a future filled with love and grace.
Hands down, the area of my life where I have had the most difficulty and arguably have suffered the greatest is in the matters of the heart. God has gently and lovingly guided me and sometimes persistently poked and prodded me when needed… to find the courage to open my heart fully. I have spent a large portion of my life throwing up walls around myself so that I will not get hurt and as a result I have hurt others and ultimately pained the part of me I was trying to avoid being injured…my heart. God is teaching me and blessing me at this stage in my life because I am finally finding the courage to listen and open my heart. Life's richest fulfillment comes from being as open to experiencing pain as deeply as its joy. By letting down my defenses and dropping the concrete barriers I placed around myself which only proved to isolate me from others and by allowing myself to be vulnerable to the anguish that life can sometimes bring… I am now beginning to experience the joy that comes from connecting with others openly, intimately and compassionately. Nothing is more courageous than the ability to know, love, care for and connect not just with others but also with the creator that wants nothing more than for me to live a life of courage.
As I started reflecting on this novel approach to courage, I found myself growing quite excited. I thought about the areas of my life where I have dared to be courageous on a daily basis. One glaring area is the courage to be who I am or more precisely who God created me to be. This world has every day pressures to conform, so it takes a great amount of courage to NOT be “of this world”. I try very hard everyday to express myself in a genuine way while being humble and unpretentious.
Another area where I have seen significant growth in my life is through my courage to say NO. Saying the word NO is as difficult if not more than hearing the word NO. But, sometimes we even need to say no to the good in order to make room for the great. Saying no when I need to is never easy as by nature I am a pleaser, but the price I have paid in my past for not doing so far exceeds any momentary discomfort. The courage to let go many times goes hand-in-hand with the courage to say NO. Because I put myself through college, have worked since the ripe old age of twelve, have raised a child virtually on my own; the need to control has in the past, been paramount to my existence. However, through my growing faith in things I cannot see, I have learned to lean on the peace of mind that comes only from giving my best to all situations while at the same time detaching myself from the outcome knowing that everything in life has a purpose. I try with unfailing persistence to put my faith in the creator that created me. I have embraced the knowledge that who I am is not defined by the outcome of my works. Giving up resisting what you cannot control and going with, rather than against, helps me to stay in the present. Finding the courage to let go almost never hurts my ability to achieve. In fact, I have found that when I give up control my ability to achieve and grow is enhanced.
The courage to be a leader is an area in my life that I have struggled with for all of my 42 years. When I was younger, my desire to be a leader was really spurred by the desire to be popular or to move up the financial ladder of life that this world seems to place so much emphasis on. Once I found the courage to be who I am and to learn to let go and to say NO when I was called to, I realized that being a leader is not a position…it is a choice. Everyday we are presented with opportunities to lead and move others in a direction that they otherwise may not have gone. By choosing a path of integrity, personal responsibility, and taking the time to listen and challenge others and ourselves, your light will shine with a brightness that others will find hard not to follow. It is my prayer that God will continue to work with me to be a courageous leader. I am led to believe and embrace that it is through courageous leadership that we can lead others towards a future filled with possibilities. An existence filled with no war, no starvation, nor horrendous acts of violence towards women and children. Instead, a future filled with love and grace.
Hands down, the area of my life where I have had the most difficulty and arguably have suffered the greatest is in the matters of the heart. God has gently and lovingly guided me and sometimes persistently poked and prodded me when needed… to find the courage to open my heart fully. I have spent a large portion of my life throwing up walls around myself so that I will not get hurt and as a result I have hurt others and ultimately pained the part of me I was trying to avoid being injured…my heart. God is teaching me and blessing me at this stage in my life because I am finally finding the courage to listen and open my heart. Life's richest fulfillment comes from being as open to experiencing pain as deeply as its joy. By letting down my defenses and dropping the concrete barriers I placed around myself which only proved to isolate me from others and by allowing myself to be vulnerable to the anguish that life can sometimes bring… I am now beginning to experience the joy that comes from connecting with others openly, intimately and compassionately. Nothing is more courageous than the ability to know, love, care for and connect not just with others but also with the creator that wants nothing more than for me to live a life of courage.
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