“BEYOND THE CAP AND GOWN”

As graduation day is fast approaching for my 18 year old daughter Taylor, reflection seems to be a daily part of my schedule. Thoughts such as…”I remember the day you were born so clearly”…”Where has the time gone”…”What will I do with the rest of MY life” are frequent reminders that the time is growing near. Well before I became a parent, I could have guessed that raising a child would involve, in addition to much joy, its fair share of sadness. I mean, I'd seen plenty of commercials where parents watch their kids leave home. I'd been warned there would be a time to let go. I’ve done that once already as I watched Taylor go 6 hours away for boarding school. But now, it is so much more permanent. I know this because my daughter is headstrong, fiercely independent and driven when she wishes to be. She is without question…MY daughter.

But, now I have realized that the art of letting go is in fact gradual. Every year, I have found myself mourning my daughter’s slow exit from childhood. I can hardly look at photos of Taylor as a toddler without a lump forming in my throat. I miss the child she was; I want to hold on to the young woman she is now. And just when I think I grasp who she is this second, she changes again.

On the other hand, this constant changing and shifting means I've had the distinct pleasure of enjoying several amazing characters. This is in fact ironic as Taylor is headed off to East Carolina University to study Music and Theatre.

First there was the beautiful baby girl with the most unique eyes and perfectly shaped lips. I was so in love with baby Taylor and I looked forward to what (and who) would come next.

Then came the beautiful age of one. She was so joyous. Her laughs were often and loud…and her cry’s were equally as boisterous. Everything was a question at one. She would point at objects, asking: "What this? This?" Then watch me so closely as I rattled off the answers and I would be rewarded with that wet, sloppy kiss on my cheek.

The toddler ages were probably the most fun. Taylor really took her budding language skills and ran with them. She was engaged in a constant monologue. The toddler era had its dark moments as well. When her needs weren't quite met, there were a few times when she would throw herself on the ground, her language skills abandoning her as she shrieked nonsense syllables. I never thought I'd miss the toddler stage but in retrospect, those tantrums were kind of adorable compared with the bigger-kid frustrations I deal with now. Taylor was so in love with me during that era. I remember dropping her off at daycare and I would sing “Lay Your Head On My Shoulder” on the way in and she would lay her head down and curl her little legs up and just listen to what she now calls…my AWFUL vocal voice.

Kindergarten through fifth grade brought its own joys and sadness. Divorce, moving, remarriage, confusion, friend wars, birthday parties, soccer games, swim meets, and a new found talent for singing. Taylor was always so “certain” in her mind. Every time she issued a declaration. I felt a pang…at what point would self-doubt kick in for her? When would the world knock her down? I didn’t have to wait long. The middle school years were horrendous. However, what transpired during those years is Taylor’s story to tell and not mine but…her journey shaped her into the wonderful young woman she has become today. At least most of the time ;-).

Taylor is at that stage now where I know she is hearing me…but maybe doesn’t want to admit I may be a little right. She still holds my hand but she lets go much sooner. She still tells me she loves me but many times it comes after I have done something for her or she wants something from me! I try to speak truth in love and be encouraging but admittedly it almost always becomes a lecture. I keep telling her I only have a few more months to impart ALL of my worldly knowledge.

One of my favorite movies I ever took Taylor to was “Finding Nemo.” Nemo’s dad is determined to keep Nemo safe, to protect him from all possible harm and to ensure that nothing bad ever happens to him. Because of his own life experiences, he lives in a world of fear and anxiety and he projects all of this out onto his son. But when life hands both Nemo and his dad an unexpected challenge, Nemo must learn to make his own way and to believe in himself. That isn’t easy, because throughout his young life, Nemo was never allowed to fail and falter and to learn from those experiences and move forward. He has never been allowed to try new things and risk disappointment or setbacks. His father, in all of the attempts to keep Nemo safe, robbed him of one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child: a resilient spirit. The knowledge that when life knocks them down, or throws them off course, they can get through it, learn from it and emerge stronger and more ready to face the next challenge that lies ahead. And while Nemo’s father has robbed him of this important gift, he too has taken something from himself… the gift of faith. That is, after all, what it takes to let our children step out into this world… faith. We need to have faith in them, in their ability to handle and navigate the hard times. We need to have faith that they will make good choices and that they are the capable, thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate human beings that we have raised them to be.

My daughter is by far my greatest masterpiece…. a unique and perfect example of my love. A love so strong that despite all of her mistakes and shortcomings and downright defiance, I want to hold her hand forever. I want to keep a piece of her with me at all times so that I can kiss away her pain and offer my words of wisdom when she is sad or just smile and listen.

Hodding Carter said, “Two great things you can give your children are roots and wings.” It is my daily prayer that I have provided both. So in the word’s of Nemo’s Dad…Taylor…”Go have an adventure”! Mom is going to go have one too 