Christy McMurry - Reflections

 

 

"SWIPE THIS"

When I first entered the world of being single some 17 years ago the internet was literally just invented.  You can’t even begin to imagine how it pains me to admit that.  I have seen the online dating experience change immensely during that time.  As a Christian, I have repeatedly sworn myself off dating sites only to find myself logging in again.  The beginning of my on-line dating experience was through Match.Com back in 1999.  I was still “young” by dating standards for most who were in the dating pool so needless to say, there were quite a few options for a woman like me.  I guess, more accurately, I was a good option for THEM.  I suppose at that point in time it was attractive to meet an educated woman with a wonderful job who was well versed on a variety of subjects and loved sports.  What man wouldn’t love that.  The problem for me was, I was slightly disappointed with the options I was being given: too old, too young; too invested in believing in ‘the one’ rather than the best ones. Too many were divorced and didn’t sound like they were healed from the last marriage. And too many had clearly not left the house for a while.  Finally in 2003, I actually met a man and fell in love and not on a dating site.  That relationship lasted off and on for 13 years and in the off times I would venture into the online dating world.  But, as the years ticked by, technology changed and there was even more shall I say “product” out there.  For better or for worse, I now had girlfriends that too were entering the cyber dating world, some for the first time.  I could write a book filled with our ridiculous first date adventures.

I never had a problem with my age until men on these various started to highlight it – be it in messages, in conversation, or in their lock-down filters for girls under 29. This process has made me aware that women are often more accepting of age than men are. This was confirmed by a survey conducted by OKCupid, which suggested that on average, men aged 20–50 prefer to date a girl in her early 20s. Despite having limited the from 45-55 on my own filter, the ‘Daddios’ – as old as 65 were flooding into my inbox. By end of week two, I had 50+ reasonable matches’ (people who were more than a 70% match). But this only happened because I extended the distance range to encompass all of the US. Trust me, I was trying hard to not be choosy for this experiment.

I have even tried the Christian dating apps like Christian Mingle and Christian Crush. While many Christians have found long-term love through Christian dating sites, I’ve also heard stories of the same Christian men and women existing on these sites for years. I’ve concluded that the picky ones rarely pick. We’ve all met them… and I’ve dated some. Some of them may well have later fled to the Internet in the hope they’d find their wife: soft in character, tall, with model looks, joker, non-smoker, preferably a virgin, never confronts but isn’t a pushover... and so the list continues.
I appreciate the need to have standards when it comes to finding a life partner, but not when we’re unwilling to look at ourselves, or the fear so clearly attached to so many requirements.

Online dating creates naturally (and thankfully) more options than our local town may provide, which can catalyse the desire to be fine-tuned and higher in goal-setting – and that’s where all this gets interesting. Over the course of 17 years of seeing e-dating swell from “shame on how you met” to “oh we met on OKCupid”, now we have swipe right and swipe left to add to our online dating stories.  When I first tried “Bumble”, I was only slightly offended that I got to make the first move and it was purely based on how someone looks as the app does not allow for much explanation on who you are.  Further, I had to get past the fact that I actually enjoy being pursued. After a few uninteresting dates, I decided to take a step back and reflect.  I would like to share a few of those reflections. Neither I nor my friends have found love through a dating app. But strangely, I found myself feeling more open to that little thing that I had lost time for due to so much online activity – real life. Appearing in human form for social events, community projects or blind dates suggested by friends just make more sense – it is more productive and less isolating.

I have become more open-minded to people that cross my path everyday. It seemed the pushing of comfort zones through online dating had lifted a veil, opening my eyes to people I hadn’t previously noticed. In short, online dating may not bring forth “your person” – but it might introduce you to yourself on a whole new level which leads to my final thoughts.

A crucial component to finding a healthy relationship is the concept of getting to know yourself. You can’t know what you want or what you need in a relationship until you get to know who you are. We are encouraged to see everything that we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Why not see dating as just another means to this end even through a dating app.

You can learn so much about yourself as you engage in relationships with the people around you. Use this time to reflect on who you are, what you want and where you are going. See your interactions as a reflection of your strengths, weaknesses, actions and reactions. Be observant and aware so that you can use each and every relationship in your life to become a better version of yourself

After some self-reflection, I finally realized that I was using dating as the scapegoat, rather than addressing my baggage, my fears and my deep-seated insecurities. When I finally came to terms with the reality that dating was not the enemy, I was freed to address and take accountability for my interactions with the opposite sex. At the end of the day, I realized that by making intentional decisions, I could take control of my relationships rather than allowing them to take control of me.

If you are a Christian or even just someone that is trying to figure out this world, it’s time to stop freaking out about dating and see it as an opportunity for growth, insight and right relationships. It’s time to take the pressure off of “finding the one” and instead learn to glorify “The One” through every single interaction that we have with the world around us. Dating included.